Part of the reason it's so hard to post on this blog is because I keep thinking I will get over this hump, or soon become unstuck, but that's not happening. I want to be able to write some inspirational, uplifting story about how I have been delivered from my anger and disappointment, but that's not my story. It's ok to feel mad and bitter, and I'm not going to hide it because it's real. When I was still pregnant, reading other mom's blogs got me through the day and were extremely helpful in giving me an idea of what it would be like when Jonathan was gone. So, it has become important to me to get some of my feelings out there, yes for prayer requests, but also for anyone who is about to embark on this journey.
To begin, I KNOW that God is sovereign and will use this for His glory. He is making something of me through all of this, and I will be more sanctified, closer to Jesus because my baby boy died. That's what I know. How I feel is COMPLETELY different. I am mad and bitter. It's hard to pray, to simply talk to God takes a lot of effort. For several weeks, my anger consumed me and I felt worthless as a wife and mother. Although the bitterness and disappointment are still there, the anger is subsiding, but I can only see the progress when I look back. In the midst of the week, when I have more bad days than good, there doesn't seem to be any progress and I don't feel like I'm getting any better...but I am, it's just very slow.
God is really revealing my sinful heart, as I find it difficult to rejoice with friends when they receive blessings. About 15 of my friends are pregnant or have newborns, so I can't get away from babies. I love the babies, it's just the reminder of what I'm missing that makes it hard to hold them. Sometimes I feel like saying, "Ok God, enough already. I'm ready for the cloud to lift. Couldn't you make it a little easier on me now?" And in actuality, I do say that to Him. He understands me and knows my heart much better than I do. It's taken me practically 3 months to be able to blog again because I can't figure out what in the world I'm feeling. It's hard to be honest with myself in general. Being angry, bitter, and disappointed is getting really old now and I'm ready to move to something else. Figuring out how to do that is another thing.
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Hi Kristin,
I have been checking in daily to see how you are and I am so glad to see you have posted. I do not know the depth of sorrow that you or any other moms feel in this heartbreaking loss, but I do pray for so many of you. It makes me angry that 5 more babies have left since Jonathan, and these are only the ones I am aware of. I don't understand it, I don't blame God, but it is just so heartbreaking. One thing I do know is that God loves you and knows your heart. He knows your pain and all that you feel, and nothing about you is a surprise to Him. Each of you moms share a common heartache, but each of you travel this road of grief differently, each in your own way.
You all trust the Lord, and He is there with all of you. Just seeing you able to let yourself post your feelings is such a huge step in healing. He loves you right where you are in the good days and especially in the bad ones. I will continue praying for you and ask Him to show you the way. It is good to look back to see your progress because it is hard to see it in the moments it is being worked out. I think you are doing the best you can and as you read back on what you write, you will see much progress. It is just going to take time as He gently works with you and your heart.
Much Love and Prayers,
Laurie in Ca.
Kristin-
As Angie Luce wrote today in her blog... each of our journeys with these precious babies are so similar, yet SO incredibly different. The pain, the grief, the suffering... they are all intense and overwhelming. When I simply compare stories, yours and mine tend to match more closely than most of the others I have read. For me personally, it is because we spent close to 100% of the time with our son while he was already with the Lord... you did as well. No advice, no pep talk, no churchy things. I just want you to know that I am praying for you as you continue to walk through this valley. I understand what it's like with newborns surrounding you... hard to express with words.
Praying and loving your family,
Kenzie
I think that what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal. Time will heal all wounds. Don't rush things though. I will say a prayer for you!!
oh my, this is the first of these blogs i've read that i can relate to. and that i feel express the complete honesty of the brutality of the grief. c.s. lewis in his book "grief observed" talks of such violent grief and yet he is a well-respected christian theologian and never abandoned his belief and faith in his Father. can i say it again and again - GOD WAITS PATIENTLY for those of us who get there a little slower. don't be hard on yourself. no one expects you to be the spiritual example for all others to try to emulate - you have the right to own your feelings and to express them in order to heal. i SO appreciate this post - and i think that being honest helps others far more than you know. love, j
Praying for your emotional and spiritual healing.
Praying for you, girl. Take as much time as you need, scream as loud as you need to scream, and cry as hard as you need to cry. God is God. He's big enough. ;) And thank you for putting it out there for us, too.
With you every step of the way. This step hurts but it is a step forward and it is true and valid.
Love you!
Just wanted to say thank you again for being so honest with your feelings. I'm not grieving a child...but I am struggling with life circumstances. And it's so helpful to see people who are also sometimes flat out mad at God. It lets you know you're not alone.
Praying for you...
thank you for being real. many of us KNOW God's truths to be real, and struggle when we FEEL differently, and it takes courage to admit it - to say it out loud for others to hear.
thank you
Kristin,
I don't know if I've ever commented before, but I have been praying for you and checking on you for months now. I've thought about what you've just written a lot in the past months. Why is it so difficult to get your heart around what your head knows? I don't know if I'll ever have a good answer for that. I wish I could make my heart fall in line with my mind on a daily basis, but I can'! All I can say is that God knows us better than we know ourselves, so He understands.
Still praying!
Angie
Kristin, My heart breaks for your pain. How you miss Jonathan. You have been in, and will remain in, my prayers.
In my personal life, I have learned that Romans 8:28 is real and true. It takes a while....a long while...to see it.
You have my love and I am approaching the Throne boldly for you.
Karen in TN
I greatly appreciate your honesty and will be praying for you.
God meets you wherever you are...even in your bitterness and disappointment...there is nothing, thankfully, that can separate you from Him or that is too much for Him to handle. As my sister (who recently lost her son) told me, the best she can do most days is just wake up and breathe. If that is the case, then that's enough. I will be praying that our heavenly Father will bring you through these difficult days of grief and restore you in the way that only He can.
Kristen,
I check on you often. I haven't in a few days...and when going on my blog someone said you had posted and it was similar to my last post. I do not really have words - I do not know really what to say - I just wanted to write to you. I feel pretty defeated right now myself. I want you to know that Jonathon is the reason I started my blog......I was so upset / angry when you didn't get any time with Jonathon alive, and was so encouraged by what your husband posted that day - then I started my blog. Your family is actually mentioned on my first day. Now I am here - I just had my 3 week follow up after losing Mary Grace. I will pray for you - please pray for me...
with love,
Kim
God knows your pain, and will carry you through this journey. You are His child--chosen, as hard as that is to embrace now. He will meet in the dark, and carry you into the light. My prayers are with you this evening.
Love,
Amy
I am so sorry. You are in our prayers.
With Love,
William's family
Thinking of you and praying for you today!
Kim
Just stopping by tonight to let you know I've been thinking about you and praying for you. Have a wonderful and peaceful weekend.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Kristin,
I have been reading your blog for sometime. Your bravery in talking about your wrestling with God is inspiring. God bless you as you continue to walk the road of grief, all the while admitting that it is a journey that will continue to bring you closer to your God. I know you are a blessing to all you come in contact with.
Marianne
Clarksville TX
Just checking in to let you know you're still on my mind and in my prayers.
Thanks for your courage to step out and share. I'm still not quite "there" yet, but reading others' stories are helping me as I move forward (even if they are just baby steps). I'm praying for you and your family.
Just wanted you to know I am continuing to pray for you and your family....
With love,
Kim
Thinking of you and lifting you up....
I'm so sorry that your precious little son died, that you didn't get to keep him long at all. I'll pray for you, that you will be comforted in your grief and have the strength to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, to surrender to your grief as you would to labor contractions and not have any expectations of how your grief should be and that through this, you will feel the comfort of God and that it will bring you peace in your heart when you think of Jonathan.
Kristin, the road is so long, isn't it? I'm still on it and often have to ask God, "Why am I still here?" He has his reasons. I know it helped me when I read a book by a grieving widow after David was born. It had been 7 years since her husband had died and it had taken her to that point to be able to write something inspirational. It actually made me feel better to know that it was normal for the road to be long, and it allowed me to stop rushing myself. It is frustrating, though. I've been especially frustrated recently, feeling like I am still too distant from God compared to where I was before all of this. However, all in his time and his purpose...
Be patient with yourself. I know God is.
I loved your labor story and could so relate to not wanting to let him go. Hard, hard stuff. I think we'll never forget that moment when we had to release those precious babies from our bodies. What an incredibly precious, strangely exciting and terribly sad moment.
Sending my love!
Hi Kristin,
Just stopping in tonight to let you know I think of you and pray for you often. God knows what is in your heart and He is with you every step of the way. You can't disappoint Him because He loves you, so just keep being honest with Him about where you are at, He understands. I pray He draws your family closer together with each new day, giving you what you need to heal. Asking Him to give you a new hope and joy in your heart. It may take time, but He has all the time you will need. He loves you.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
I have been following your story for awhile now and you and your beautiful family amaze me! If it is ok with you I have added your link onto my blog. If you would like it removed I am more then willing to do that! Thank you for sharing your story with us!
i just wanted to let you know that i am still praying for you and your family.
Still thinking of and praying for you....
Hi Kristin,
Just want you to know I check in on you daily and I continue to pray for you during this time.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Kristin-
Just wanted to let you know that I continue to pray for you and your family each day! Praying for His peace and joy...
Love,
Kenzie
Hi Kristin,
Just wanted to stop by and let you know you and your family are on my heart and in my prayers. I check in with you daily to see if you have posted. When you do, I will still be here and praying for you. I care about you in this valley you are walking, hoping you are getting the support you need from your loved ones. I hope your Easter was a blessed one for you.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
I just want you to know you're still on my mind.
Lots of love,
Fern in Ohio
Kristen,
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you tonight. I am continuing to pray for you and your family.
I live in Keller and notice you are in Flower Mound....not sure if you would even be interested in getting together, but if so....my e-mail is kimmybons@charter.net. I couldn't find your e-mail. I know we have so much in common, t-18, 3 children, 2 girls still with us, Jesus....would love to talk maybe.
With love and prayers,
Kim
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