Happy Independence Day to America, and Happy 8 month Birthday to Jonathan! I can't believe it's been that long. This time last year, we were awaiting the results of my amniocentesis. How much easier that was! Sure, we were filled with angst, not knowing what to expect, but we still had hope that little Jonathan might live (on earth). Now, that the Lord has unfolded Jonathan's destiny, life is so different. No longer can I live on the surface or wear the masks our society so loves to put on. Fear, which often comes in the form of anxiety, sometimes grips me. Thoughts of my girls' lives being in danger, or dreams of us losing our girls enter my mind regularly. It's not that I really believe that will happen, but it's realizing that it could happen. Anything could happen. I am helpless and have absolutely no control in this world. If the Lord ordained it to come to pass, it will. The Lord's will be done on earth and in Heaven. Yes, it's harder for me to pray that prayer, knowing that His sovereign will can sometimes be so extremely difficult to accept.
Immersing myself in the Word, and prayer are the only ways to combat the fear. Last night, I laid down and thought I was ready to sleep, except I just felt nervous and uncomfortable and scared. I had to just talk to God and tell Him how I was feeling, confessed some things, and asked for His strength. I came to the conclusion that I had barely opened my bible in 2 days and I had on no armour to fight off the fear and anxiety.
That being said, isn't it ridiculous that I still wish I could go about my day, staying busy with the kids and household work, and running errands, all the while being oblivious to these things God is so overtly trying to teach me? That's my sin nature and my tendency to stuff things instead of dealing with them, I suppose. It's also because going through these life lessons and grieving is hard work and painfully tolling.
To all the T18 mommies, I am praying for you, in all the various stages you're going through. I have a prayer request to pass on. My dear friend's sister just had her first baby, who was expected to be healthy. Little Charles Robert (2 days old) was rushed into heart surgery yesterday morning. Please pray for this family and for Charles Robert. Thank You!
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4 comments:
Kristen, It's so good to hear from you. You are so right - sometimes I wonder why I may be having such a hard day, then I stop and think when is the last time I was in His word or REALLY prayed to Him...the anxiety and worry is sometimes too much but it's never too much for God...so why do we fight it sometimes?
I can't believe it's been 8 months since I first met you and Jonathan.
I Know I have told you this before but I started my blog because of sweet baby Jonathan. I am still praying for you friend. I will pray for your friend and Charles Robert. Keep us posted...
You are loved,
Kim
It is so good to hear from you again. I have said a prayer everytime I check to see if you have updated your blog. I appreciate what you have said, it is something we all need to hear! I will be praying for Charles Robert.
Kristin, I'm really looking forward to seeing you Thursday night. Your words are exactly what I still struggle with - being able to truly want God's will to be done when I know how painful his will sometimes is. I still have not been able to truly surrender all to God and now with this second loss, I am praying so hard that I will learn to do so this time around. I envy people who talk about giving everything over to God. Have they REALLY done that, or do they just think they have because they've never been asked to give something as precious as their children? Let's talk about that on Thursday.
Continuing to pray for you out here in California Kristen, asking the Lord to bring you through in His time. It is good to see you here, I miss your posting. And I will be praying for sweet Charles Robert. Such a big condition for such a little guy. And you know, we all need to remember to stay close to the Lord so anxiety and fear finds no place in us. I needed to be reminded of this today. Thank you and may your days be blessed.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
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