Happy Independence Day to America, and Happy 8 month Birthday to Jonathan! I can't believe it's been that long. This time last year, we were awaiting the results of my amniocentesis. How much easier that was! Sure, we were filled with angst, not knowing what to expect, but we still had hope that little Jonathan might live (on earth). Now, that the Lord has unfolded Jonathan's destiny, life is so different. No longer can I live on the surface or wear the masks our society so loves to put on. Fear, which often comes in the form of anxiety, sometimes grips me. Thoughts of my girls' lives being in danger, or dreams of us losing our girls enter my mind regularly. It's not that I really believe that will happen, but it's realizing that it could happen. Anything could happen. I am helpless and have absolutely no control in this world. If the Lord ordained it to come to pass, it will. The Lord's will be done on earth and in Heaven. Yes, it's harder for me to pray that prayer, knowing that His sovereign will can sometimes be so extremely difficult to accept.
Immersing myself in the Word, and prayer are the only ways to combat the fear. Last night, I laid down and thought I was ready to sleep, except I just felt nervous and uncomfortable and scared. I had to just talk to God and tell Him how I was feeling, confessed some things, and asked for His strength. I came to the conclusion that I had barely opened my bible in 2 days and I had on no armour to fight off the fear and anxiety.
That being said, isn't it ridiculous that I still wish I could go about my day, staying busy with the kids and household work, and running errands, all the while being oblivious to these things God is so overtly trying to teach me? That's my sin nature and my tendency to stuff things instead of dealing with them, I suppose. It's also because going through these life lessons and grieving is hard work and painfully tolling.
To all the T18 mommies, I am praying for you, in all the various stages you're going through. I have a prayer request to pass on. My dear friend's sister just had her first baby, who was expected to be healthy. Little Charles Robert (2 days old) was rushed into heart surgery yesterday morning. Please pray for this family and for Charles Robert. Thank You!