God has really been showing me my fears. Sure, they're all the normal fears most people have, but I never acknowledged they were there before. I'm afraid of something happening to the girls, but most of all I'm afraid of losing my own health and ultimately death. Birthing Jonathan as a stillborn baby forced me to, literally, come face to face with death.
All of the anxiety filled days and panic attacks have had an underlying theme. When I look deeper and really listen to why I'm feeling anxious or what started the panic attack, it is always thoughts of losing my health, which always lead to death. I had to ask myself why I was so afraid of dying. I'm a believer and I know the promises God has for me, for everlasting life in Heaven, and on the New Earth with Christ as king. As I really searched my heart, I noticed that the fear of death had always been present, but I was great at suppressing it. So, as I had to really start dealing with anxiety, the fear of death was brought to the forefront as the cause of it all.
"Ok, so why?" I kept asking myself. God revealed to me that even though I say I believe all of His Word, apparently I don't. There is unbelief in my heart. I can't see or come close to imagining the "afterlife" for eternity, and that freaks me out! So once again this points to my lack of trusting God. It seems like everything in life always gets back to the question, "Do you really trust God?" And, like all people, no I don't completely trust God....but He's working on me.
For the past couple weeks, I've been confessing my unbelief and asking God to show me how to overcome it. And He gave me the answer, which I had all the time, but this time I listened. Last Saturday afternoon, while I was putting laundry away, I was singing Holy, Holy, Holy, and the words just struck me as never before. I need to be focusing on our Holy God and knowing Him more fully. Too often the focus has been on myself, and that brings no comfort. The same day, I just happened to open to Psalm 78, which is a wonderful recount of how many time God delivered Israel in spite of their grumbling and constant idol worshipping. I thought to myself, "Man! That's our God right there, my God, my Deliverer...how could I ever doubt him?"
So, praise God for my anxiety and panic attacks! I'm serious, even though I hate going through them, I'm thankful for them because of how God's using them to conform me and sanctify me. He is our faithful God whose steadfast love endures forever!